Day 50 the half way tin man on caffeine

 

Day 50

That’s how I feel, like the tin man from the wizard of oz, ceased up, stiff and achy. I have a bad posture and it effects my whole torso and neck. I try to correct how I stand, walk and sit, I do stretches have regular massage or chiropractic treatments. I even have a shoulder strap to remind me every time I slip forward but non of it helps long term.

This morning I went for a treatment and it was great, it hurts but feels great all at the same time. My masseuse has been away for a couple of years and I missed her dreadfully as no one can compare. So today, day 50 I treated myself to an hour long session of blissful pain!

We are a house of coughs and sneezes this month, just one cold after another which is really annoying seen as we are treating ourselves and nourishing ourselves better than ever.
So whilst I am impressed that I have made it to day 50 the half way point and thought I would feel elated I just want the sofa and a blanket.

It’s a big week for our eldest s she is starting pre school on Wednesday which she will of course be fine with and enjoy, I on the other hand am a bag of nerves as I never left her before. It’s more of a big deal for me than her.

We have a social thing tomorrow where everyone will be drinking so that will be interesting although I think I am going to be fine as long as they are serving coffee. For some reason my caffeine consumption has gone through the roof, I drink coffee all day long now when I used to just enjoy a cup or 2 at breakfast. Just another thing to worry about!

I’m still not sure what will happen on day 101, when I started this it was never my intention to give up for good but I really am not missing it at all so I’m pondering moving the goal post to a year of sobriety. That will take me up to my 40th birthday, mmmmm. I had planned my 40th birthday already and it included wine tasting and selecting the wine to be enjoyed with dinner at the restaurant with friends and family. Right now though I’m thinking more yoga retreat and green juices.

Well done to you to if you have reached the 50th day and beyond, keep it up, I’m going to. Xx

Advertisements

Day 42 positive again

 

Gosh I never thought I would get this far to be honest, I thought I would have cracked without a care but I’m in the 40’s now with only a few wobbles and finding I care more as the days pass by. Actually I find counting the days of sobriety quite addictive. It’s such a great feeling and as we head into another weekend I don’t feel any pressure or urges to drink at all. Instead I am going to go to work for the 2 mornings, I start at 7am so will be up & out the door bright eyed and bushy tailed. Im sure my new shifts will help me to stay on track Friday and Saturday nights and ease any boozy frustrations.

I’m seeing my hairdresser which is always fabulous as that’s how she makes me feel then we are heading out for a romantic valentines lunch where we will be taking the little ones to Nando’s! Fine dining!

It’s been a good week, the car passed its mot, potty training is going well and the sun popped out for a day or two.

I’m feeling positive, I hope you are too.

Day 37 why

 

Since I last blogged I have suffered with a super sensitive split personality.

I enjoyed the company of my Mum over the weekend and between us and whoever popped by for coffee we devoured the cake I baked, for a free from bake it was delicious and I will be baking again, sorry waistline!

We also enjoyed our usual walks, playing with the children, kitchen dancing, looking through old photographs and eating yummy food. My mum once again didn’t drink during her visit out of respect which it is greatly appreciated.

What puzzles me though is my behaviour and mood on Saturday “day 36”. I was left to enjoy a rare lie in during the morning, which sounds awesome but I woke up with the sense of impending doom in my gut. My stomach was in a knot and I felt nauseous. Super I thought, I was promptly irritated when downstairs and told I should cheer up, snap out of it and lie in’s obviously don’t agree with you, all of which made me grumpy and snappy. I wanted to be far away and on my own. I know that some form of exercise would probably have helped a little but I slept in so didn’t have time to get to the pool.

I have always suffered with anxiety, panic attacks and self doubt. I think I had my first panic attack when I was about 17. I have also experienced paranoia and often feel that I am being judged. However over the last few years these feeling have eased and in some cases almost disappeared but for some bizarre reason on day 36 they all came to haunt me.

I was paranoid in my own home around my mum, mother in law and partner. I sobbed, I felt nervous, sick, and just plain weird. I dealt with these feelings for about 12 hours, which was utterly exhausting. My mum told me to get professional help, she has said this on and off for years, she also told me to eat chocolate and have a glass of wine, really helpful! She meant well of course as she gets upset too when she sees me that way.

Today is Sunday and I woke at 5:30 am feeling tip top and went to work happy as Larry, then enjoyed the afternoon with my family. This makes no sense at all and makes me feel a bit la la & unbalanced.

I really believed that giving up the alcohol was going to cure these anxious days once and for all. I always blamed them on the booze and my lifestyle. Maybe my lifestyle over the years has done irreparable damage or maybe it is just in my make up and it won’t make any difference what I give up. Maybe I expected too much from this.

Day 34 baking, me?

 

Mum is coming to visit for the weekend, she will be arrive in the morning and I cannot wait. We are extremely close and I love the time we spend together. She lives about 70 miles away so I can’t just pop in for a cuppa when I need a mummy hug.

I have never been into baking preferring to cook savoury items. I love to eat sweet things though but my cakes have always turned out poor so I gave up and stuck to shop bought. However since changing my diet over the years I haven’t even bought them and just recently I fancy it. I bought a slice of cake in a lovely little coffee shop in town last week and it was nice but I thought I could do better and for a fraction of the price.

So with my new fandangly machine and fresh organic oranges I have baked a gluten, dairy and sugar “free” orange and almond cake. It’s cooling on the rack ready for morning coffee when Mum arrives. I hope it tastes as good as it smells.

I am really enjoying all my “free” time in the evenings. I can’t believe it has taken me so long to get here.

Day 32 organic delivery

 

What a difference a day makes eh! Today was great fun from start to finish, back to normal with happy kids and happy Mum.

My box full of beautiful organic, milk, bread, meat, fruit and vegetables arrived before 9am. It all looks and smells divine. We sampled the apples straight away, which were so sweet and crunchy and applely! I cannot wait to get creative in the kitchen with all the wonderful ingredients and use my new processor.

The sun was shining so we hit the beach and built sandcastles and listened to the waves crashing, such a relaxing sound which always sends my youngest to sleep.

No boozy cravings either, thank goodness, just positivity round here today.

Keep going xx

day 31 I’ve got tears

 

That is what my 2 year old says to me when she is upset and needs comforting, well today it was my turn to cry.

I’m not sure why today was so difficult but it was tough and it made me question everything about me, am a good mum, daughter, partner.
Why do I do half the stuff I do. Who am I doing it for.

I battled with my 2 year old all day too. She is kind, loving and funny but she is also strong willed, independent and defiant and I’m exhausted from negotiating all day. I’ve been trapped in a whirl wind of emotions from sunrise to sunset.

I thought about drinking a lot today, which is terrible. Would it really matter if I broke my sobriety and drank wine this evening, after all I’ve proven I don’t need alcohol as I have just abstained for 30 days. Who would even care if I had a drink, my partner wouldn’t be bothered as he could join me without feeling like he was rubbing my nose in it. Who would even know I had a drink. I am so frustrated, why have started this.

I just wanted a take away, my pj’s and a bottle of wine. 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.